I am at a crossroad with my life right now. You know how you feel like just running away? Where would I go? I know. Either Sedona, Arizona or Taos, New Mexico. Somewhere that people become who they always should have been. I want to go somewhere and make macrame flower hangers and rename myself Allegra. Live in an adobe house and plant Poppys and sunflowers all around. I want to sit on my porch in a red rocking chair and watch the sun go down. Drink herb tea and watch a cowboy drive down my road in his 66 chevy pickup truck. I want to hear the crickets in the distance and put on an old sweater because the night air is chilly. I want to watch the stars come out and make wishes on the ones that fall. I want to smell the smoke from my old wood stove that's burning inside.I want to watch the darkness settle on the mountains and imagine the spirits of all the old warriors that have been gone so many years.Then when my soul is soothed, gather up all my old cats and dogs and go inside. Crawl into my bed with my homemade quilt and be at rest. Blow out the candle and be at peace. That's what I want. That's what I need.

Today is Easter Sunday and people celebrate it differently all over the world.In the Christian faith it celebrates Jesus rising from the dead. Something happened to me many years ago that forever changed the way that I look at Easter. Twenty years ago, I worked in a family practice clinic. We saw poor people and people that couldn't afford care elsewhere. It WAS like an old fashioned Doctors office and I got to know many of the patients and thier families quite well.A young woman named Jeannie came in often along with her three children. Two beautiful little girls and a sweet little boy. She came in several times with black eyes and finally, didn't even bother to make up an excuse for why she had them. WE knew that she was being abused by her husband and I would talk to her over and over about leaving him. She finally got up the courage to move out. She shared custody of the children with her husband because she thought that he WAS a good daddy. Flash forward a few weeks and "Daddy" got to keep them for a few hours while she went somewhere. I'll never forget, It was a Friday night and my phone rang ( I never knew how she got my home number). I answered and Jennie said; "Val, he killed them all, please come". I found out how to get there and drove faster than I have ever driven to get to her. Her three babies were all laying on the bed with thier throats slit. The bastard put them to bed and then slaughtered them. I remember thinking "how did ALL of that blood come out of those three little babies"? And then the coroner took them away. I will always think that it was at that moment that Jeannie lost her mind.She was strangly calm and I was crying my eyes out. She looked at me and said " Don't cry Val, they will rise from the dead in three days". The next day at the office, we took up a collection for a burial plot and caskets. It was horrible and unbelievable. two days later at the graveside,Jeannie was still calm, still happy. Sure that those children would rise. When they started shoveling the dirt in the graves, I guess that she finally KNEW that they weren't coming out. Jeannie dove into the grave and fought us when we tried to get her out. As the days went by, she turned to drugs and alcohol and was finally successful at committing suicide.She couldn't and wouldn't live without her babies. That is why Easter never feels like a day of celebration to me. They didn't rise from the grave. They stayed forever buried, under all that dirt.

Good morning all,
I am in a weird mood this morning. Full of useless thoughts and ramblings.I was going through some old stuff of mine( letters, useless memories) and found something that I wrote several months ago. I've never claimed to be a brilliant writer but I wanted to share it with you. I wrote it in NOVEMBER 2006. Here goes..


I read in the newspaper that Willliam Styron died a couple of days ago. It hit me then that even heroes die. I have always had a differant view of heroes. Sure, they can be the person that jumps on top of a bomb and saves his platoon or the man that carries a baby out of a burning building. The teenager that can't swim and jumps into the lake to save his brother. But sometimes there are other kinds of heroes. The kind that keep on living in spite of horrible depression and mental anquish. When it would be so much easier for them to just lay down and surrender, never get back up. But they do get up. They get up and write. Write down all of the pain and the sorrow that they feel. Thier lifeline is words. Words typed and double spaced on a white sheet of paper. Words that allow the rest of us to think "I'm not alone !! Someone else feels the way that I do !"
Words that can help us hang on for one more day. Sometimes just barely hang on. William Styron was one of those people. He suffered from depression and blackness so thick that he thought of taking his life. Many times. There were days that it was just hard for him to even get out of bed. He wrote a book about those days called
DARKNESS VISABLE: A MEMOIR. It was about his depression, his alcoholism and his thoughts of suicide. It brought him back into the Literary world.Many years ago, he wrote another book called SOPHIES
CHOICE. It was about the Holocaust and choice. About love, death and unbelievable decisions. It was made into a film and made people talk. And think. Then he wrote THE CONFESSIONS OF NAT TURNER. He won awards and praise for his writing. He won criticism and scorn. There were many who said "How could he DARE write about a Polish woman and a black Man !" How dare he think that he would know how they feel. He should stop writing !" Thank God that he didn't listen. He knew something that they didn't. Pain is worldwide. Loss is universal. He KNEW what they felt because he felt it as well.It made him more human. It made him a better writer. I am thankful that he lived and I am thankful that he wrote. I hope that he is finally at peace. He had so little of it on earth. R.I.P.

Good morning all,Namaste
I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful advice yesterday. Ya'll are SO right. Both of the people ( otherwise known as dregs of the earth), will get what they deserve one day. I won't be the one that does it to them, BUT I will be around to laugh when it happens. Does anyone smell a trace of bitterness here? I have a friend that is in the hospital and I am terrified that he has cancer. We'll know today. This has really brought home to me how important real friends are.Quite simply, I can't imagine life without him. For the last 20 years, he has stood by my side though everything. When my life is falling apart, he says" Don't worry, We'LL get through it. WE'LL. We will. Amazing the power of those two words. To know that you will always have someone rooting for you is quite an incredible feeling. the funny thing is that he NEVER liked this jerk that broke my heart. Thought that he was pompous and deceptive. Ya Think? The good thing about him is that he is a shrink so I'm not really able to be anything BUT myself to him. To have someone that loves and accepts you through all of your fears, tears and scars is a miracle to me. Now it's MY turn to say "we'll get through this" to him. Because we will. We always have. Thanks for listening.

Ok, I Do NOT want to become a whiney ( is that a word?) person. A person that whines a lot. Here's my story. I HAD ( past tense) a friend of 31 years. This witch and I raised our kids together, worked together and she was the first person that I wanted around me when my husband died. A lifetime of being friends. Real friends. Add to the mixture a man that I fell totally and completely in love with. Anyway, he and I were together for two years and I finally decided that it wouldn't work due to distance,( he lives in Virginia and I live in Alabama), age, ( I was older than he is) and LOTS of other things.My main concern was that he said "that men ARE incapable of being faithful. RED FLAG anyone? Fast forward a year.... My "friend" betrayed me to save her arse at work. REALLY betrayed me, and guess who joined in with her? Yup,, The MAN that I once loved. Anyway, I have pretty much gone through H, E double L since then. The funny thing is this... I need help to get this "revenge: thing out of my head. I haven't done anything but I want to..so badly... Talk me out of this guys... I want to ruin him ( she has already pretty much ruined herself). I want to go back to the days of the SALEM Witch trial, sit them both on dunking booths till they confess. I want to send someone his "love letters". I want her to just...suffer... I am consumed with hurt and anger. Here is the weird thing. I've gone through so much in my life. More than could EVER compare to this. BUT, I don't think that I have ever been as hurt. EVER.. I am not a vengeful person and I don't understand this rage. It is consuming me . The thing is, I probably won't do anything. That goes against EVERYTHING that I believe in. Maybe I just wanted to get it out? I am not a flake and I have always been kind. Please don't think that I am a flake. I'm not. I'm just not used to being betrayed THIS badly. More than likely, I will just sit and wait until fate decides to pay them back. One day, HE will know that I didn't lie to him about anything and one day, SHE will get back what she has dished out. I will wait...and I will smile... Gotta go pray for peace...