I have been really thinking about something alot lately. Was it POH that posted that we seem to be able to really talk to our fellow bloggers? I think it was and I agree with her. There has been alot on the news lately about ex New Jersey governor James McGroevy. ( did I spell that right?) When he 'came out", I wanted to contact his wife...but I didn't. I married really young and had a child. The marriage didn't last long because he was abusive and I was divorced. I was a single mom for many years, went to nursing school, lived my life. I finally met someone that really seemed to care, really took "good care" of me and I married him. We lived in Florida, I worked and he was retired from the military. A couple of years passed and he decided to run for Mayor of our town. I did the political wife thing. Hosted dinners, campaigned, kissed ass. It all worked and everyone KNEW that my husband was going to be elected mayor. We bought a house on the beach and I thought life was perfect EXCEPT that we didn't have much physical intimacy. I thought that it was because we were both so tired etc. We were really good friends, had a lot of fun, so I kind of "overlooked' that. December 14, we went to dinner, looked at Christmas lights, talked, laughed and had a really good time. We got home and my husband stuck a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. I was devastated. I walked around for days like a zombie. Crying. Wondering why? I remember standing in his closet and just smelling his clothes. I asked everyone that I knew "why"? No one seemed to know. Finally, I asked my son ( who is a computer whiz) to break into my husbands computer. There I found the answer. There was dozens of love letters from "his lover". Another man. I found out where this man lived and called him. it broke my heart. I think that he was more in love with my husband than I was. They had been seeing each other for 10 years. I now think that my husband was probably being blackmailed. He would have lost the election ( big deal) and he couldn't live with everyone knowing who he really was. I never had a clue. He was "macho". Retired Army Major, sky dived, scuba dived, played ball. All the things that "straight" men do. The saddest thing of all was that all he had to do was TELL me. It would have made sense to me, because we hardly ever touched. I would have encouraged him to live his life. We could have been friends. I've had dozens of AIDS tests and I am fine. Thank God. It has everything to do with why I am afraid to get close to another man. I didn't write this for pity but just to get it out. To try and make sense of why I feel as I do. I should have written The New Jersey governors wife. I understood.

I love lists. I always have. it speaks to some part of my mind that IS organized. I found a list of the 25 SADDEST SONGS. I don't agree with all of them and don't even know some of them but..here goes.
25. The River- Bruce Springsteen ( 1980)
24. Nothing Compares To You- Sinead O'Conner- ( 1990)
23. No Surprises - Radiohead (1997)
22. A Change is Gonna Come- Sam Cooke (1964)
21. Space Oddity- David Bowie (1969)
20. That's the Way I"ve Always Heard It Should Be- Carly Simon(1971)
19. Lost Cause- Beck (2002)
18. I've Gotta Get A Message To You- Bee Gees (1968)
17. Back To Black- Amy Winehouse (2006)
16. Shilo- Neil Diamond (1968)
15. My Mom- Chocolate Genius (1998)
14. Anyone Who Had A heart- Dionne Warwick (1963)
13. Naked As We Come- Iron& Wine (2004)
12. In THe Wee Small Hours OF The Morning- Frank Sinatra (1954)
11. Brick- Ben Folds Five (1997)
10. In The Real World- Roy Orbison ( 1989 released Posthumously)
9. Concrete Angel- Martina McBride (2001)
8. Dance With My Father- Luther Vandross (2003)
7. Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley (1994)
6. He Stopped Loving Her Today- George Jones ( 1980)
5. I Know It's Over- The Smiths ( 1986)
4. Hurt- Johnny Cash ( 2002)
3. Elenor Rigby- The Beatles (1966)
2. Gloomy Sunday- Billie Holliday ( 1941)
1. Chicken Wire- Pernice Brothers ( 1998)

There it is. As I said, I don't know some of them and I can't imagine why a few chioces are on the SADDEST songs list. But..
What's the saddest song that YOU can think of? Mine is Memories from the Broadway Show CATS.. You?

I read something in the news that made me sick to my stomach. It seems as if smugglers tricked some Haitian refugees into thinking that they were taking them to America to work. I have been to Haiti. It is beyond the average persons imagination as to how poor it is. The people are beat down by politics, disease and starvation. I can see why anyone would want a chance to leave. It is an island surrounded with evil. At night, in our hotel, the voodoo drums would beat non stop and people would wail and scream. I could not wait to leave. Anyway.. These people were crammed into a boat, probably with not much fresh water or food but the will to survive and do better is universal. I am sure that most of them had no idea how far America even was by small boat. They were almost a mile from shore and a larger Turk and Caicos Naval vessel approched them. I would imagine that the people thought that thier saviors had come. They would have a tow to America. They drug them further out to sea and rammed them. Overturned them in the middle of shark infested waters. Many couldn't swim and drowned.Many were eaten by sharks. Many tried to pull themselves into the Naval vessel and were beaten back. I simply can not imagine the horror that they faced. I can not imagine how fast hope turned to terror. 61 people died. 61 !! Far too many.. I can not imagine the evil that would allow a man to stand on a deck and watch the sharks tear another apart. Hear the screams of GOD, HELP ME. And do nothing. The worst tragedy is that it isn't even shocking anymore. Evil, genocide, murder, bombs, starvation and disease are everyday occurances now. The world is becoming immune to it. It breaks my heart as it should yours.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day, a time to celebrate our mothers if they are still alive and to mourn them if they are gone. My mom is still alive and I am blessed to have her. She has been my constant support throughout my life. She drives me absolutley insane at times but still, she loves me. I never really knew what that meant growing up, I never knew..until I had children. I never imagined the kind of love that would make me lay down my life for a child. I never knew that I would gladly walk the floors all night with a baby with a fever. I never knew that the sound of a siren would make me crazy with worry and that the news of an epidemic would make me weep for the mothers that lost thier children. Mothers Day can also be a day of sorrow, a day of rememberance. I have a dear friend whose daughter was murdered eight years ago. I am the ONLY one that will say Robin's name anymore. I suppose that other people are afraid of hurting her. It hurts her to think that no one remembers that Robin lived. There is NO greater pain than losing a child. None.. The world stops spinning and it never starts again. On this special day, as we celebrate with our mothers or our children, PLEASE take the time to remember a friend or family member that isn't joyous. They will always be a mother, even if their child is gone. It's not always a happy day.

I do not understand the mystery of grace...
Only that it meets us where we are,
But does not leave us where it found us. Anne Lamont

I love this quotation. It really speaks to me. To me, it says that we can, and are given another chance. God's grace. Love's grace. the chance to start over. I am unable to sleep and it is 4;15 AM. I have been overwhelmed with "thoughts" lately. How can I repair a friendship that has been broken by lies and gossip? A friendship where the other person lives many states away? A friendship where I never lied to him? I know that this person is missing out on so very much. Missing out on things that he can never get back. Maybe I can't repair it? Maybe that is the mystery of grace? Trusting God to leave me where I am? By this time in my life, I thought that I would be living somewhere else. Would have even joined the Peace Corps or a mission somewhere. I have a new commitment in my life, one that will take years to fullfill. One that I could NEVER walk away from. I realize that this is very cryptic. Maybe this is one of those times where I wrote to myself. I am waiting for God to answer my questions. I may wait for a long time. I may finally realize that some friendships can never be repaired but life goes on. It has to go on. I am waiting on grace.