I have no idea how to put songs on here like the rest of you but I have had this song on my mind for a couple of days. It is both fascinating and horrifying. This is when I need Kip and his "story behind the music". It almost reminds me of the words to an Appalacian Folk song but I don't know. Someone that I used to share music and books told me about this song a few years ago and I think of it and play it often. I think about the mindset that wrote this song. It's called COUNTRY DEATH SONG and it's by the VIOLENT FEMMES. Here are the lyrics;

I had me a wife,I had me some daughters,
I tried so hard, I never knew still waters.
Nothing to eat and nothing to drink
Nothing for a man to do but sit around and think.
Nothing for a man to do but sit around and think.

Well, I'm thinkin and thinkin, till there's nothing I ain't
thunk,
Breathin in the stink, till finally I stunk,
It was at that time, I swear I lost my mind,
I started making plans to kill my own kind.
I started making plans to kill my own kind.

Come little daughter, I said to the youngest one,
Put your coat on and we'll have some fun.
We'll go to the mountains, the one to explore
Her face then lit up, I was standing by the door.
Her face , it lit up, I was standing by the door.

Come little daughter, I will carry the lantern.
We'll go out tonight, We'll go to the Caverns.
We'll go out tonight, We'll go to the caves.
Kiss your mother goodnight and remember that God saves.
Kiss your mother goodnight and remember that God saves.

I led her to a hole, a deep black well,
I said make a wish and be sure not to tell.
Close your eyes dear and count to seven....
You know your Pappa loves you, Good children go to Heaven.
You know your Pappa loves you and good children go to Heaven.

I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
I pushed with all my might, I pushed with all my love.
I threw my child into a bottomless pit...
She was screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.
She was screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.

Gather round boys, to this tale that I tell...
You wanna know how to take a short trip to Hell?
It's guaranteed to get your own place in Hell.
Just take your lovely daughter, and throw her in a well.
Just take your lovely daughter and throw her in a well..

Don't speak to me of lovers, with a broken heart,
You wanna know what will tear you apart?
I'm going to the barn, will I ever stop the pain?
I'm going to the barn to hang myself in shame...

I would love to go and lose myself in a movie, but right now, I can't. I started thinking about movies. At the risk of sounding like an old woman, they just don't make em like they used to. I would rather "guess" at the body parts in a love scene and heads and limbs flying about in horror movies don't scare me...they repulse me. There aren't many movies that I can watch over and over but there is ONE. It is OUT OF AFRICA. I have probably seen it at least eight times and I STILL cry every time that I watch it. The scenery is beautiful, the acting is incredible ( Robert Redford and Meryl Streep) and the love story is haunting. It depicts an Africa that doesn't exist any more. An Africa where the animals ran free in herds of hundreds, an Africa where people aren't killing each other. The movie score is brilliant, sweeping music as the animals run wild. It is about the kind of love that isn't found anymore. At least rarely. I suppose that's what a movie is about though. Making you yearn for something that you want so badly. It works for me though. What is YOUR favorite movie??

For the last few days, I have become almost obsessed with finding my cousin, a person that I haven't seen for many, many years. No one on this side of the family seems to know what happened to him and it bothers me. Really bothers me. Some of you are old enough to remember his mother, Jean Seberg. She was an actress that was "discovered" by Otto Preminger. He directed her first two films. Her debut film was ST. JOAN and even though she won the role from over 18,000 actresses that auditioned, many critics said that she was "out of her league". She went on to make many movies including BREATHLESS,THE MOUSE THAT ROARED, PAINT YOUR WAGON, and AIRPORT. I remember when I was a child, just watching her move around and thinking "she is beautiful" and she was "differant". Jean was always "differant". Terribly sad in a way. She never really seemed happy. In the 1960's she used her high profile image to support the NAACP, Native Americans and the Black Panthers. J.Edgar Hoover considered her a 'threat" to America and had her phone lines tapped and had her followed. In 1970 she was seven months pregnant and the FBI started a rumor that the father was a black activist and not her husband French Author Romain Gary. ( The baby was actually the result of an affair that she had when she and Romain were seperated, but he always claimed her). In August of 1970 she gave birth to a daughter that died two days later. Jean named her Nina after Romains mother. In a press conferance, Jean displayed the baby's body to "show that she was white". Every year after that on the anniversary of Nina's death, Jean would try to commit suicide. She even threw herself under a train in the Paris Metro but lived. WE always believed that Nina's death started Jean's descent into depression, alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. A few years later, Jean married an Algerian Playboy named Ahmed Hasni, who Jean always said abused her. In August of 1979, Jean went missing. I remember those frantic family phone calls and I think that even then, I KNEW that it would not be good news. Jean was found 11 days later, in the backseat of her car in Paris. She died of an overdose of Barbituates and Alcohol. Her suicide note said "forgive me, I can no longer live with my nerves". Romain Gary shot himself a year later and died. Jean and Romain had a son in 1963 that they named Alexandre Diego Gary and HE is the cousin that I want to find. He would only be 44 years old now. Jean's mother died years ago and none of us know what happened to Alex. I would like to know if he is happy? If he is married? I would like to see him again and for him to know THIS side of the family. Both of his parents committed suicide and that HAS to be a terrible scar on his soul. It amazes me that in this age of computers and instant information that someone can disappear. I would like for him to Know that he DOES have family that thinks about him, that wonders about him. Where are you Alex?

Hi friends, it is good to be back. I missed all of you a lot and wondered how you all were. I just read in the news that a 60 year old woman gave birth to twins. That is amazing. I hope that she has a lot of energy and a wonderful support system. It's incredibly hard to be an older mother but things are easier in a lot of ways. You don't really listen to the doctor when he tells you that you can't feed a baby certain things until he is x months old. You know that you fed your younger child the same thing at an earlier age and he survived. You learn that temper tantrums have never killed any baby yet. You learn that you won't be totally ostracised if the animals on his outfit don't match. And you realize how incredibly much that you can love the man that is helping you raise the child. She is probably terrified that she won't live to see her children graduate school or have thier own children and she is more aware of how quickly life speeds by. None of us have that guarantee though. I wish her joy times two and restful nights. I wish her happiness and that she will know the miracle of her baby's smile.

Hi friends,
I am going to my mom's house for a couple of days. I am going to visit and read books and watch birds. Recharge and try to make some decisions about what I should do with my life. Take care and I will miss all of you. See you soon..