Hi friends, I just wanted to let you know that I will be gone for awhile. It may be a week, it may be a month. It may even be longer than that. I have so much on my mind right now. So much that I need to do. So much to think about. I need time to heal. I may take a trip. To Illinois. To Washington DC. To Acoma Pueblo at Christmas time. I may not. I may go see Kevin and show him that I never lied and then leave. I may just wrap my arms around Joel and never let go. I may read some books and write some letters. Real letters...with stamps. I may serve Thanksgiving Dinner at the homeless shelter. I wish that I could strap Tucker on a backpack and work on a reservation. I wish that I could see those Red Mountains in Arizona one more time and watch the lightening dance off the cliff. I want to see the purple sunset in New Mexico. I want to make amends to people and let them make amends to me. I am so aware of time passing by me now. The years slip away before I have time to grasp them in my hand. In my mind. I am in a differant place in my life now. A kinder place. A gentler place. A place to reflect and be grateful. A time to feel joy. A time to feel. There is so much that I haven't done. So much that I still want to do. Have a safe Holiday. Be grateful. Feel blessed. Make snow angels and invite someone lonely to dinner. Tell people that you love them. Hold them close. Tell them that you are sorry. Be safe. Take care.

I was thinking of Tucker's father last night and what a coward that he is. I CAN NOT imagine not wanting to know that precious little boy. He is smart and beautiful and has his father's eyes. How easy it is for that man to just pretend Tucker doesn't exist. To just pretend that he never knew Tucker's mom. Tucker's dad had a vasectomy BUT he didn't wait long enough for it to be clear. That's his excuse... The age old excuse for revolting men...." He's not mine".... I am positive that the day will come when Tucker's dad is older. He will feel his life slipping away from him. He will want to know, really KNOW who he left behind. And he will wonder about Tucker.... Does he play ball? Did he join the Fire Department? Does he have children of his own? Chances are it will be too late. He is missing out on the good years. Thank Goodness that Tucker's mom and her boyfriend are there for Tucker. He isn't without love and kindness... Like his father will be.... One day.. The cat's in the cradle.

Hi everyone... Happy Monday. Have you ever looked for something and found it right under your nose? That has happened to me. I know that I have driven all of you crazy talking about Kevin, who is the "love of my life". Meanwhile I have had a friend , let's call him Joel for about 25 years. We hang out, we go to church together, go out to eat. all the things that friends do. Last night he came over and brought me some things that he got for me in San Diego. He went to a conferance there. He is a shrink. I went outside to meet him and my heart did flip flops. It freaked me out. I realized that friendship has turned to love. I think that he has loved me for a long, long time but I always considered him just a friend. He has been there for me when my life turned upside down. He loves me with no make up, if I gain a pound or two. He loves me. He accepts me. He stands beside me. He would NEVER have done what kevin did to me. Never. He is a good and honest man. I am happy. I am in love and I wanted to share it with you... My friends.

I have talked a lot about my Indian grandmother and Irish grandfather
but I have not talked much about my English grandmother. She was just as important to me. Just as Loved. She taught me my love of reading, How to set a "proper" table and the other things that "ladies" should know. She and my grandfather had three children. My two aunts and my father. For some reason they divorced when the kids were all little. World War 11 broke out and my grandfather wanted to join the Army. He was too old but he was a sharpshooter so the Army allowed him to join. He and my grandmother wrote back and forth and fell in love again. They decided that they would remarry when he got home from the war. They would raise the children. They would be a family again. Three days before my grandfather was due to come home, he recieved orders to check out a bridge that the Germans were using. He stepped on a landmine and never came home again. He is buried somewhere in Luxemberg. I have the yellow telegram that says.... WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT SGT.FRED PETTY WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON FEBRUARY 12,1944. It is yellowed with age and wrinkled from being folded so many times. I imagine that it was stained with my grandmothers tears. When I was 14 years old and visiting my grandmother, I went into the kitchen where I saw here humming a tune and dancing around and around. It was a beautiful song and I asked her what it was. She told me it was called "I'll be seeing You". She told me that when she heard it she always wondered about my grandfather. Where he was, if he was sleeping in a foxhole in the rain or if he was thinking of her. She went on to say that NOW she knows that she WILL be seeing him again. It would just take a few years longer. I wanted that song played at her funeral. I imagine them dancing even now.

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This song is dedicated to Tucker and Nathan ( my grandson). The CUTEST, most precious little boys in the world. This song makes me smile...