Hi everyone.
I'm finally home and glad to be here. The time away did me a lot of good. Sometimes, you have to just step back to figure things out. I realized that in spite of everything, that I am blessed. I WILL be ok. I've had a rough few months but I feel hopeful and that's something that I haven't felt for a long, long time. I hope that all of you are doing well. I thought about you and prayed for you and missed you. REALLY missed you. Thank you so much for the Birthday wishes and private messages. They all mean so much to me. What have I missed gang? Love to all of you...

Hi friends, I am going to Mom's for a few days. The bill collectors can't call me there. Monday is my birthday and I am not feeling very happy about it. I am grateful that I'm alive but I always thought at this point in my life, that things would be differant. I think that I need to get off of my pity pot and get it together soooo, see you all next Thursday and love to all of you...

I heard through a "friend of an ex friend", that the man that I used to love is going back to Iraq soon. I have to admit that when I heard that my heart stood still for a minute. It's funny how you think that you are over someone and you don't care anymore, but when you hear something like that, it makes you think. I feel so undecided about this war. I marched against Vietnam in the 70's and the deaths of all these people make me crazy BUT I am very uneasy about terrorism. I have been in countries that don't have democracy and it isn't pleasant. I have seen a villager cut to peices by a warlord in Africa. I love America. It is one of the few countries in the world that you CAN voice a negative opinion about politics or the leader, and live to say it again. I see the bodies of War victims on TV and each face could be the face of my sons or brothers. I cry for the protesters and I cry for the War dead. I met this man when he was in Iraq the first time. We were "pen pals". he came home and we were together for two years. Age and distance helped to end it, but he will always matter to me. He was the one man in my life that touched my heart, the one man that understood the things in my life that cause me nightmares. I will now join the ranks of people that check the list of the War dead daily. I will now pray for someone that I know over there. Someone that I once loved so very much. Someone that I quite possibly still love. I will now join the ranks of the people whose heart breaks every night on the TV news. Be safe Kevin and come home alive.. Please...

There is an old Johnny Cash song that's called, " I Still Miss Someone". I used to play it on my guitar. I haven't thought about it or sung it in years. This morning, I woke up singing it to myself and I can't get it out of my mind. The lyrics go like this;
At my Door the leaves are falling,
a cold, wild wind has come,
Sweethearts walk by together
and I still miss someone.

I go out to a party
and look for a little fun
but I find a darkened corner
cause I still miss someone.

No, I never got over those blue eyes
I see them everywhere
I miss those arms that held me
when all the love was there.

I wonder if he's sorry
for leavin what we'd begun
There's someone for me somewhere
but I still miss someone.

Logically, I know why I am thinking about that song. I talked to my first husband last night. The one that I married when I was very young and full of dreams. Dreams of a house full of children, Sunday dinners and picket fences. I still miss that time of my life but I don't miss him. I miss being young and knowing that I had many, many years to make my dreams come true. I wanted to grow old with someone and sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. I don't know if that will happen anymore. I married him very young and then was divorced for many, long years. I then married again and he committed suicide. I suppose that the man that I loved the most wasn't even my husband. His name was Kevin and I loved him with every ounce of my being. We had our own little family and he dissappeared. He certainly didn't turn out to be the man that I thought that he was. At all. But, I guess that when I hear that song, I still think of him. I will probably sit on my porch surrounded by old dogs and one or two good women friends. We will drink wine and watch birds and talk about the ones that got away. The ones that we LET get away. Maybe that is my happy ending.Maybe not...

John Prine may be my favorite singer. He has a song where some of the lyrics are;" I hate graveyards and old pawnshops, cause they always bring me tears". I agree with him. I am at the point that I have to pawn some stuff. Those of you that know what is happening in my life will understand. Those of you that have never been in this situation, I am happy for you. When I walk in the door of most pawnshops, all I see are memories. Wedding bands, diamond engagement rings, TV's, VCRs and all kinds of memories. I always wonder what happened. How did that day when he slipped that ring on her finger go so very wrong? Did he cheat? Did she cheat? Is it simplier than that? Did the baby get sick and they had no money for medicines? I imagine the family when they lifted that new TV in the back of thier pickup truck. Were the kids happy and giggling? Pawnshops have an air of defeat about them. You are at the end of your rope when you pawn things that you love. You are taking a chance that you may never get them back. Down the road, you will wonder if someone is wearing your grandmothers ring? You wonder if they will love it as much as you did? I am at the end of my rope....and I will wonder... and I will cry...